In the beginning.
Or "How it all started"
There endeth the lesson from former Religous Advisor, Patron and general sage, The v. Rev. Walford.
- In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was without form and void ... and ... um ... unto every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air, and to everything that creepeth upon the earth wherein there was life He has given every green herb for meat, and it was so.
- And God saw every thing that he had made and behold it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day ...
- And on the seventh day God rested from his labours ... And He got up late and went to the machine. For He had nothing in for the weekend. And Lo the cash point of the Llords Bank was empty, no schekel yielded it up. Nor were there created any shops. And it wasn't so good.
- And God said, "Verily verily though it be Sunday, I say unto you 'Let there be shops'", and Behold there were shops, and an supermarket, well stocked with apples-from-the-tree-of-knowledge-of-good-and-evil pies, dolmades, and every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air, with great whales, and cattle and a creeping thing in a tin. And green herbs for meat. And the Gateway of the Market was Pearly. And God looked and saw that it was a bit better but it was still a bit dodgy, for everywhere was closed. And God gave a great shout, shouting "It may be bloody Sunday but that doesn't mean you skivin' lot can take the day off, where d'you think you are? Wales? Open up!" But none came for there was no one.
- So God created man in his own image, in the image of god created he him. And God blessed him and placed him as manager in the supermarket of the Lord, saying, "Where you bin? Open the blessed door".
- And the manager saith, "I'm stacking, Matey, I only got one pair of hands, ain' I!" And God said, "We can soon fix that. And maybe you'd like a trunk and a pair of tentacles to go with them?" And, Lo, the manager appeared immediately before God, saying, "Can we be of any assistance, Sir?"
- And the Lord said "It is Sunday, Lo, my cup runneth under. And I hath neither wine nor honey, pottage nor bread, nor all manna of things."
- And Adam saith, "Hold on, I'll see what we got out back." But the Lord said, "I am the Lord thy God, it is not meet I hold on. I will make for thee a helpmeet, mate." And the Lord took Adam by the spare rib and twisted a wife for him out of it. And she looked like a corn dolly, for it was His first try. And her name was Eve. And Adam's face was like a retrominguant ruminant, and he said "What is it? It's horrible." For he knoweth not what we know. And Eve went out back and returned again bearing an offering unto the Lord ... some Eve's pudding, two tins of Ambrosia creamed rice, an apple pie and a bottle of snake-bite. And as she went she wiggled it and Lo Adam fancied a bit. Then did Adam eat of the meat of the apple pie and his eyes were opened. And he drank of the snake-bite and they watered. Then went Eve out back with Adam and showethed him a thing or two.
- And the eyes of them bothe were opened and they knew that they were naked. And they were ashamed and they took Dolmades and made for themselves little dinkie running shorts.
- And they heard the voice of the Lord God clumping about in the cool of the garden and they hid themselves from the face of the Lord among the trees of the garden. And the Lord wasn't fooled, even a bit, and chucked them out, saying, "Get thee out unto a land thatI will show thee. All week shall you labour, aye, by the soil on thy brow shall thou toil be known and on Sunday shalt thou not rest but thou shalt run about liken unto maggots in a tea pot, yea like puppies in a sack. Gird up thy loins, such as they are, for there is little hope for thee; thou shalt seek Me in the high places, crying Art Thou? and I might answer or I might not. It all depends." Thus saith the Lord.
- And East of Eden went they. Adam knew not "gird up thy loins" and he gurred up Eve's loins. And away they went, begatting, even like the beast of the field. Unto the land of Jereboam begat they, and Toth of the Belemnites, to Rã-måthå-im-zø-phïm begat they them, seeking for a sign and thence unto Ur of the Chaldees where spake Zoroastra, saying, "Dum, de, dum dum dum, with a girl like you-oo". Unto Um of the Megabytes ran they, where men worship the SUN, with dervish fingers. In Mess-O'-Potamia theydid eat of a mess of Stewed Hippo-pot-amia. For forty days and forty nights, went they On on they went, ON ON and the LAMB of God GONE ON before them. Wherefore the people were lost. They FLAGGED and thirsted, righteously. They cried out upon the Lord: "Give us a sign!"
- And the Lord was moved to pity. With his moving finger wrote he a sign Yea on a high tablet wrote he it. And the words on the sign were: Þœ £Þñþ « Ýçâß. which being interpreted meaneth The Lamb and Flag. Then smote he with his rod and the place opened and gave forth a stream from which all could drink. And the Lord tasted it and saw that it was very good indeed. Then the Lord appointed officers, both Men and Women, and said unto them, "On every Sabbath at the eleventh hour shalt thou run and upon the twelfth shall thou slake thine thirst. Then drank all the people and a great Cheers arose. Feasted they them. And the Lord unbuttoned His top button and he told the one about Gidean and the MideanWhores. And the moving finger wrote in big wobbly letters, "Meany, meany, tickle a parson". And everyone laughed, they knew not why.
- Thus all came to pass as it was foretold even to this day.